Day 1 Kim's Facebook Fatbusters
Stats: (per Health-O-Meter digital scale)
Weight: 234.6lb
Body Fat %: 53.2
Water/Hydration %: 34.1
Daily Goal: Clean kitchen, dining room, living room, bookshelf. Bring donations to St. Vincent's. Dust. Hook up VCR in bedroom. Go tanning. Go to cabana gym for 35 minutes of cardio.
Weekly: Follow AdvoCare Herbal Cleanse to a T! Make a kick ass workout mix. Increase workout time by 5 minutes every day. Blog every day!! Work out EVERY day in some shape or form. Start Jillians 30 Day Shred. Go tanning every day.
I'm gonna start start when I get my AdvoCare supplements in a couple days that way I can show you all how wonderful these products are especially when used day to day. So until we get them in I am going to make sure I have everything else that I need to stay focused and ROCK ROCK ROCK!! I'm going to work on a meal plan and make sure I have everything readily available, because we all know that in our busy lives that we strive for simplicity. I need that since I am always on the go go go. I plan to blog each day, listing all the products i am using, how they make me feel and what they are helping me with. I will also use this blog as my food journal... because as most dietitians/nutritionists say... journalling is one of the MOST affective way to hold yourself accountable. I'm really hoping i can be better at counting calories. I also will be setting daily and weekly goals. I am really hoping that I can not only help myself through this journey, but that I can also help others with their journey.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Monday, February 1, 2010
Today I become a "Blogger": I'm Jen, and I'm overweight
DAY 1: ADMITTING YOU HAVE A PROBLEM AND IDENTIFYING THE ROOT OF THAT PROBLEM
Hello Everyone :) First things first; I'm Jen and I'm overweight... well, I guess they call it "obese", but ugh! that's such an awful word :/
"Memory Lane"
I've been overweight since age 8 and unhappy with my body since probably grade 3 or 4. I was a happy child, but as puberty set in and boys stopped having cooties long enough for me to start crushing on them I started realizing that I was the girl they made fun of, not the one they liked. Your probably wondering why im talking about elementary and middle school, well... it's because thats where it all started.
I met my "soul-mate", or so I thought when I was in 4th grade. A boy who liked me for me, and he was cute too. I loved him, I really did. But as an 8 year old, life was tough. 4th grade passed and 5th grade came. No boyfriend that year. Then Middle School came and so did the boy crushing and the acting like you knew it all. The young boy I "loved" in the 4th grade came back into my life, forever changing the me that I am today. I didn't know how to act, not with him, but with my other peers. The beautiful, skinny, popular girls got into my head and I felt unworthy. They were always so unkind to me. I felt solitude in my relationship with (we shall call him Casey*) Casey*. He loved me, and I loved him. Our best friends were partnered together and life was good. It was strange that each time we broke-up the world stopped turning for our friends. For that short moment our friends didn't know how to function if Casey* and I weren't dating. So, as middle schoolers do... we would get back together as if nothing had changed. I must say... 6th grade was probably my most memorable year of growing up. I think it was beacuse of how much I cared for Casey*. He was my world, which needless to say has impacted my life everyday since the day I saw him on the swing set in 3rd grade. I knew I wasn't like the other girls tho. The other girls became my nightmares as middle school went on. As 6th grade came to an end, I was still with Casey*, and we had an almost "grown-up" way of how we loved eachother. The older girls tried to be with him and wondered why he was dating me, because clearly they were much better then I was and as far as they were concerned he could do better. The summer began and I was involved in Summer church Bible Camp, I met a highschool boy there... that I started crushing on. I slowly started to shut Casey* out of my life. We spoke on the phone and I was so horrible to him. He begged me to tell him if I was going to break up with him, and I drug it out and said "I don't know", until he couldn't take it anymore and forced an answer out of me. So, I broke his heart and told him I wanted to break up and didn't even give him a reason. That was the day that changed my ENTIRE life FOREVER. I broke up with the one person who saw me from the inside out.
The summer went by, my friends changed and I became a completely different person. The beginning of 7th grade came and people wondered why Casey* and I weren't together... But the older girls , the ones who wanted him before, were all over that and having a hay day. They now had the opportunity to bag on me and rub it in my face that they now had the boy I gave up (he was gorgeous), of course they were going to rub it in my face. From that day on the girls tormented me. They were mean and malicious. I started putting on weight and becoming a recluse, hiding away in my room as soon as I got home from school. I had this stuffed monkey that I had bought for Casey* in the 4th grade (I had also named Casey* because he had long arms and beautiful deep brown eyes), I would hold him in my arms, sitting on the floor, facing the wall and cry, "Why Lord? What have I done?", I would cry for hours upon hours. I was so hurt by the girls flaunting him in my face. They only did it because they knew how much I loved him still. And they thrived off my reactions, my tears... my pain. I cried a lot those last two years of middle school. My heart broke every day and I never stopped loving him. In the wake of my adolescent depression I gained more weight, swapped my girl clothes for big baggy sweatshirts and JNCO Jeans... boy clothes. My mother didn't know what was happening with her daughter and even stated "Jennifer, you are going to be the death of me". I succumbed to peer-pressure and smoked cigarettes with my "un-savory" friends... lied to my mother about why I smelled like an ash tray... I became a bad seed... a pesron I knew that I really wasn't. In 8th grade I got my girliness back and hung out with my best friend a lot (we will call her Leann*). Leann had been my friend since grade school and was always one of the constant people in my life. She was the pretty one... you know how it is... every pretty girl always has a fat friend in the shadows to pull out when they are lacking in confidence about themselves... and I was the fat friend that ALWAYS built her up. I loved Leann* she was my "sister", my BFF. Well, not that people were giving me enough shit as it is... they had to lay on the fact that they all thought I was a LESBIAN because I told somebody that I thought Leann* had a nice butt. Word spread and it got all twisted! As a 14 year old in a small town in 1997, being accused of being a lesbian was NOT GOOD! I was 14 for Christ sake! My best friend then started to feel uncomfortable around me and people just dug at my wounds and dumped salt in them. I pleaded with them "I'm not a lesbian". It was a very difficult time for me.
Freshmen year 1998 I wanted to turn a new leaf. I wanted badly to be a cheerleader, but knew that would come with comments from the "Peanut Gallery" and bring the people out of the woodwork that I didn't want to hear from. I went to the tryouts the August before the school year began. I knew I wanted to be on the team SO bad, my sister was a cheerleader when she was in high school and I always went to her games and practices... I'll say it now, but I would never say it then... I wanted to be like her, like my sister. At the end of try outs I went to the coach (whom I knew from church and she was my sisters coach) and asked her if I could be the Mascot. She said yes and that may have been the one thing that saved me from myself in high school. I was part of a team, I was the Coupeville Wolf ,"Wolfie". I was a cheerleader in "Wolfs clothing" so to speak. I danced and cheered and was part of mandatory practice like the others. I did every thing but jump and stunt. And I helped when and where needed. Being Mascot was by far the BEST part of high school. I did Basketball and Football seasons, Walked in parades and a had honors of handing out awards at State Championships as "Sporty" (the Sun Domes special Mascot). Life was good... as long as I focused on that. The girls continued to terrorize me. I still had feelings for Casey* and pretty much everyone knew it, even though I would deny all feelings for him to hopefully show them that I was over it in hopes that the picking would go away... with no such luck. When our (mine and Casey's*) eyes would meet in a mutual class or in the hallway, my gut and heart would seer as if my heart stopped beating. I occupied my head with good friends and internalized everything I felt for Casey*. I didn't do well in school because of the depression I battled with and I focused all of my time on being a part of the Spirit Team. I basically kept my grades good enough to stay on the team (well, I had straight A's senior year... but that's because I took super easy classes).
Junior year I took this class called CRT (Community Resource Training) and got to work in a PT office at the hospital. It was right up my ally because I really loved massage therapy and it was closely related. One of the front desk girls there was super nice to me and we bonded right away... She was a Mary Kay consultant outside of work and wanted me to be a model for her. She thought I was beautiful :) Her name... was Bekah... my dear lovely Rebekah (and that's for real... and I say that because she's still very much in my life). ANYWAY... Bekah and I started spending some time together, you see, her husband was in the military and she needed a friend to share Mary Kay with. Plus, she felt a connection to me, even though she was 5 years my senior (that means "older" in a round-a-bout way). As we got to know each other she opened up to me that she was a lesbian, that her husband knew and he was okay with that (what guy wouldn't be), but she wasn't really "out out". I started having feelings for her... I didn't know what to do, I was 17, a junior in high school, in sports... what would happen if ANYONE found out... I couldn't deal with that again, especially if people started not wanting to be around me... you know how some people think... that if you like the same sex that you are always looking at them and wanting them... oi! Anyway... so i internalized the feelings I was having about Bekah, and the fact that I may indeed be a lesbian... just like they said.
Whether I could admit it at the time or not, I guess I always felt differently toward females. But until that day in 8th grade when I was accused of being a lesbian... I never thought those feelings were wrong. I really did think that all girls felt that way and that it wasn't abnormal. I thought all girls experimented with their girlfriends like I did in the 3rd grade... something I NEVER told anybody until after high school. I thought it was normal that when I played "house" as a child that it was ok to be "husband" when my girlfriends were playing "wife". I did all those things... but never told anyone because I didn't know that it wasn't wrong, but I also didn't know that it was wrong :/ So... I internalized that as well. I think that internalizing these things (discovering my sexuality) along with not fitting in already and being "picked on" by my peers was definitely cause for "eating" my feelings... maybe not such a good idea.
So, back to Junior year... The year ended, as did my CRT class and from then on I lost all contact with Bekah... although I thought of her everyday for the next 5 years until we were reunited on a whim I had that her e-mail address on the back of a bottle of Mary Kay Lotion I had was still the same..... and it was :). Ok, really... back to school. Senior year was pretty normal... much better then every other year where I struggled and sulked along. But now there were no unkind upper classmen... just the ones in my class, but for the most part we all got along, since most of had been in class together since grade school. I had really fun classes senior year, I was involved in extra-curricular activities and was part of the Senior Royalty Court for Homecoming. I was Senior Princess with my date Ben who was Prince. It was a blast and a self-esteem boost... however I hate looking back at pictures because I was the only girl who had her arms covered. I was so uncomfortable with my body, my arms were fat and I had a lot of stretch marks... I never went without sleeves. But I looked pretty in my salmon colored dress with sparkly beading, royalty sache and my Princess crown :) You know... I was never asked to a dance... I was always the one to ask my date. Most times I just went with some other friends that were going solo too. So, the year came to an end and I was READY to be done with high school and the drama... I would miss my friends and being the mascot... but I was ready to be done with the daily pain ( even though that year was better then most). Now I had to go out in the real world and deal with being a grown up... yikes!
Ok ok... I know that was much much more than I'm sure you wanted to hear/read... but that's my root... it started all the way back when. But times are a-changing! This is MY time now... Plus, I've always said that it'd be great to go to my 10 year reunion (2012) and be able to say... well, think... "that's right bitches! I'm hot now". I kind of want it to be like "in your face". I will be different on the outside, but not any different on the inside. I'm still going to be the kind, reliable, fun kooky me that I always have been. My journey started many years ago and I have climbed up some big hills and I have rolled down my fair share of them too. But now I am ready to climb this mountain that stands in front of me. I've got my hiking shoes on and I'm going until I reach the top!!! You can join me through my journey, Its not going to be easy... there's going to be hills and valleys... ups and downs... plateaus and cliffs, but I'm going to persevere. I have to.
Here I go!
Hello Everyone :) First things first; I'm Jen and I'm overweight... well, I guess they call it "obese", but ugh! that's such an awful word :/
"Memory Lane"
I've been overweight since age 8 and unhappy with my body since probably grade 3 or 4. I was a happy child, but as puberty set in and boys stopped having cooties long enough for me to start crushing on them I started realizing that I was the girl they made fun of, not the one they liked. Your probably wondering why im talking about elementary and middle school, well... it's because thats where it all started.
I met my "soul-mate", or so I thought when I was in 4th grade. A boy who liked me for me, and he was cute too. I loved him, I really did. But as an 8 year old, life was tough. 4th grade passed and 5th grade came. No boyfriend that year. Then Middle School came and so did the boy crushing and the acting like you knew it all. The young boy I "loved" in the 4th grade came back into my life, forever changing the me that I am today. I didn't know how to act, not with him, but with my other peers. The beautiful, skinny, popular girls got into my head and I felt unworthy. They were always so unkind to me. I felt solitude in my relationship with (we shall call him Casey*) Casey*. He loved me, and I loved him. Our best friends were partnered together and life was good. It was strange that each time we broke-up the world stopped turning for our friends. For that short moment our friends didn't know how to function if Casey* and I weren't dating. So, as middle schoolers do... we would get back together as if nothing had changed. I must say... 6th grade was probably my most memorable year of growing up. I think it was beacuse of how much I cared for Casey*. He was my world, which needless to say has impacted my life everyday since the day I saw him on the swing set in 3rd grade. I knew I wasn't like the other girls tho. The other girls became my nightmares as middle school went on. As 6th grade came to an end, I was still with Casey*, and we had an almost "grown-up" way of how we loved eachother. The older girls tried to be with him and wondered why he was dating me, because clearly they were much better then I was and as far as they were concerned he could do better. The summer began and I was involved in Summer church Bible Camp, I met a highschool boy there... that I started crushing on. I slowly started to shut Casey* out of my life. We spoke on the phone and I was so horrible to him. He begged me to tell him if I was going to break up with him, and I drug it out and said "I don't know", until he couldn't take it anymore and forced an answer out of me. So, I broke his heart and told him I wanted to break up and didn't even give him a reason. That was the day that changed my ENTIRE life FOREVER. I broke up with the one person who saw me from the inside out.
The summer went by, my friends changed and I became a completely different person. The beginning of 7th grade came and people wondered why Casey* and I weren't together... But the older girls , the ones who wanted him before, were all over that and having a hay day. They now had the opportunity to bag on me and rub it in my face that they now had the boy I gave up (he was gorgeous), of course they were going to rub it in my face. From that day on the girls tormented me. They were mean and malicious. I started putting on weight and becoming a recluse, hiding away in my room as soon as I got home from school. I had this stuffed monkey that I had bought for Casey* in the 4th grade (I had also named Casey* because he had long arms and beautiful deep brown eyes), I would hold him in my arms, sitting on the floor, facing the wall and cry, "Why Lord? What have I done?", I would cry for hours upon hours. I was so hurt by the girls flaunting him in my face. They only did it because they knew how much I loved him still. And they thrived off my reactions, my tears... my pain. I cried a lot those last two years of middle school. My heart broke every day and I never stopped loving him. In the wake of my adolescent depression I gained more weight, swapped my girl clothes for big baggy sweatshirts and JNCO Jeans... boy clothes. My mother didn't know what was happening with her daughter and even stated "Jennifer, you are going to be the death of me". I succumbed to peer-pressure and smoked cigarettes with my "un-savory" friends... lied to my mother about why I smelled like an ash tray... I became a bad seed... a pesron I knew that I really wasn't. In 8th grade I got my girliness back and hung out with my best friend a lot (we will call her Leann*). Leann had been my friend since grade school and was always one of the constant people in my life. She was the pretty one... you know how it is... every pretty girl always has a fat friend in the shadows to pull out when they are lacking in confidence about themselves... and I was the fat friend that ALWAYS built her up. I loved Leann* she was my "sister", my BFF. Well, not that people were giving me enough shit as it is... they had to lay on the fact that they all thought I was a LESBIAN because I told somebody that I thought Leann* had a nice butt. Word spread and it got all twisted! As a 14 year old in a small town in 1997, being accused of being a lesbian was NOT GOOD! I was 14 for Christ sake! My best friend then started to feel uncomfortable around me and people just dug at my wounds and dumped salt in them. I pleaded with them "I'm not a lesbian". It was a very difficult time for me.
Freshmen year 1998 I wanted to turn a new leaf. I wanted badly to be a cheerleader, but knew that would come with comments from the "Peanut Gallery" and bring the people out of the woodwork that I didn't want to hear from. I went to the tryouts the August before the school year began. I knew I wanted to be on the team SO bad, my sister was a cheerleader when she was in high school and I always went to her games and practices... I'll say it now, but I would never say it then... I wanted to be like her, like my sister. At the end of try outs I went to the coach (whom I knew from church and she was my sisters coach) and asked her if I could be the Mascot. She said yes and that may have been the one thing that saved me from myself in high school. I was part of a team, I was the Coupeville Wolf ,"Wolfie". I was a cheerleader in "Wolfs clothing" so to speak. I danced and cheered and was part of mandatory practice like the others. I did every thing but jump and stunt. And I helped when and where needed. Being Mascot was by far the BEST part of high school. I did Basketball and Football seasons, Walked in parades and a had honors of handing out awards at State Championships as "Sporty" (the Sun Domes special Mascot). Life was good... as long as I focused on that. The girls continued to terrorize me. I still had feelings for Casey* and pretty much everyone knew it, even though I would deny all feelings for him to hopefully show them that I was over it in hopes that the picking would go away... with no such luck. When our (mine and Casey's*) eyes would meet in a mutual class or in the hallway, my gut and heart would seer as if my heart stopped beating. I occupied my head with good friends and internalized everything I felt for Casey*. I didn't do well in school because of the depression I battled with and I focused all of my time on being a part of the Spirit Team. I basically kept my grades good enough to stay on the team (well, I had straight A's senior year... but that's because I took super easy classes).
Junior year I took this class called CRT (Community Resource Training) and got to work in a PT office at the hospital. It was right up my ally because I really loved massage therapy and it was closely related. One of the front desk girls there was super nice to me and we bonded right away... She was a Mary Kay consultant outside of work and wanted me to be a model for her. She thought I was beautiful :) Her name... was Bekah... my dear lovely Rebekah (and that's for real... and I say that because she's still very much in my life). ANYWAY... Bekah and I started spending some time together, you see, her husband was in the military and she needed a friend to share Mary Kay with. Plus, she felt a connection to me, even though she was 5 years my senior (that means "older" in a round-a-bout way). As we got to know each other she opened up to me that she was a lesbian, that her husband knew and he was okay with that (what guy wouldn't be), but she wasn't really "out out". I started having feelings for her... I didn't know what to do, I was 17, a junior in high school, in sports... what would happen if ANYONE found out... I couldn't deal with that again, especially if people started not wanting to be around me... you know how some people think... that if you like the same sex that you are always looking at them and wanting them... oi! Anyway... so i internalized the feelings I was having about Bekah, and the fact that I may indeed be a lesbian... just like they said.
Whether I could admit it at the time or not, I guess I always felt differently toward females. But until that day in 8th grade when I was accused of being a lesbian... I never thought those feelings were wrong. I really did think that all girls felt that way and that it wasn't abnormal. I thought all girls experimented with their girlfriends like I did in the 3rd grade... something I NEVER told anybody until after high school. I thought it was normal that when I played "house" as a child that it was ok to be "husband" when my girlfriends were playing "wife". I did all those things... but never told anyone because I didn't know that it wasn't wrong, but I also didn't know that it was wrong :/ So... I internalized that as well. I think that internalizing these things (discovering my sexuality) along with not fitting in already and being "picked on" by my peers was definitely cause for "eating" my feelings... maybe not such a good idea.
So, back to Junior year... The year ended, as did my CRT class and from then on I lost all contact with Bekah... although I thought of her everyday for the next 5 years until we were reunited on a whim I had that her e-mail address on the back of a bottle of Mary Kay Lotion I had was still the same..... and it was :). Ok, really... back to school. Senior year was pretty normal... much better then every other year where I struggled and sulked along. But now there were no unkind upper classmen... just the ones in my class, but for the most part we all got along, since most of had been in class together since grade school. I had really fun classes senior year, I was involved in extra-curricular activities and was part of the Senior Royalty Court for Homecoming. I was Senior Princess with my date Ben who was Prince. It was a blast and a self-esteem boost... however I hate looking back at pictures because I was the only girl who had her arms covered. I was so uncomfortable with my body, my arms were fat and I had a lot of stretch marks... I never went without sleeves. But I looked pretty in my salmon colored dress with sparkly beading, royalty sache and my Princess crown :) You know... I was never asked to a dance... I was always the one to ask my date. Most times I just went with some other friends that were going solo too. So, the year came to an end and I was READY to be done with high school and the drama... I would miss my friends and being the mascot... but I was ready to be done with the daily pain ( even though that year was better then most). Now I had to go out in the real world and deal with being a grown up... yikes!
Ok ok... I know that was much much more than I'm sure you wanted to hear/read... but that's my root... it started all the way back when. But times are a-changing! This is MY time now... Plus, I've always said that it'd be great to go to my 10 year reunion (2012) and be able to say... well, think... "that's right bitches! I'm hot now". I kind of want it to be like "in your face". I will be different on the outside, but not any different on the inside. I'm still going to be the kind, reliable, fun kooky me that I always have been. My journey started many years ago and I have climbed up some big hills and I have rolled down my fair share of them too. But now I am ready to climb this mountain that stands in front of me. I've got my hiking shoes on and I'm going until I reach the top!!! You can join me through my journey, Its not going to be easy... there's going to be hills and valleys... ups and downs... plateaus and cliffs, but I'm going to persevere. I have to.
Here I go!
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